There are many colours of denim - but what do they all mean...?

Blue (Pale)

Pale blue jeans are mainstream, moderately fashionable and suitable for work and play alike. A wearer of blue jeans is therefore difficult to classify, however, wearing blue jeans when the situation demands something more is a sure sign of denim incompetence.

Blue (Classic Dark)

Classic dark blue jeans were once fashionable, and like the unfortunate Japanese soldier lost on a Pacific island - unaware that the Second World War is over - the classic blue jean wearer still believes there is no other jean colour to be seen in.

Blue (Stone/bleached wash)

While it is suspected that there are no longer any of these jeans in existence, Sadster`s Law dictates that there will be a tiresome bastard somewhere on the planet who still possess a pair. Certainly not a style to be seen in if you want to remain credible.

Black

The black-jean wearer recognises the inadequacies of blue jeans as a medium for personal expression, realising that most people buy blue jeans without thinking - almost "by default". The wearer of black jeans makes a conscious decision about personal appearance when purchasing, and as such makes Black more of a Thinking Man`s denim. Back jeans are also chosen by the "darker" characters in life. Certain interests and pursuits preclude wearing jeans of any other colour, e.g. Heavy-metal fanatics (i.e. when not wearing leather trousers), arty types, and those who practice the Occult.

Beige

Beige is the new blue in the turbulent World of Denim, and those in the know have been abandoning their blue jeans in favour of this browny hue for the last couple of years. Wearers of beige jeans are eminently fashionable, and gain a Triple (French)-Letter Score in the Game of Cool(TM). Combine with a leather jacket for Sex God status, the Fashion Gurus of Beige can do no wrong amid the current fashion climate.

Red

It has been scientifically proven that wearers of Red jeans are ponces to the n`th degree.

Green (Dark)

Green is likely to be the new Beige and as yet is only worn by denim prophetics. Green hints at the astuteness of Black without suffering from the Heavy-metal or Occult connexion. The only danger with Green jeans is that they verge on sloane territory, and repeated wearing could lead to an unlucky victim admitting red and white jeans into their wardrobe.

White

White jean wearers are a strange race. The preferred colour of spoilt young ladies with rich fathers, white jeans are hugely impractical, becoming noticeably dirty the moment you take them out of the wardrobe. It is a brave man who wears white jeans, he either cares little for the nuances of Jean Colour, or is a true sloane and also has red jeans in his collection.